Today is that day, the 1 year mark from the phone call I received letting me know that my biopsy had returned positive for Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  I remember it all too clearly, sitting there in shock.  Knowing there were thousands of questions I should be asking, but not having the clear brain to even begin to process it all.  I am amazed at how fast this year has gone.

Time flying is good and bad.  It is mostly good for this year, as the treatments and surgeries do not seem like they were long and drawn out.  For that I am grateful.  I am sad by the lost time.  There are days that have blurred into weeks and months.  I could not give you details about certain time periods.  I know days melted together on the couch as I allowed my body to sleep and heal from all the torments I put it thru.  These treatments were of course my choice, and I am hoping this lost year has bought me many years in the future.  That is a fair price.

Friends and family have come and gone.  Everyone rallies around you in the beginning or runs for the hills.  Cancer scares people.  Whether it is from thinking it is contagious, making them aware of their own mortality, or simply not knowing what to say or do, it certainly makes most uncomfortable.  And what seemed to have been a dramatic journey to follow on posts, has lost its glimmer and glam.  I have found a new family, one of truly empathetic sisters.  Women who have walked my walk and know this from the inside.  Those bonds will never break and cannot be taken from me like other relationships have. 

I am still not sure how I feel about all this as my active treatment has ended and my next phase begins.  I have moments of glee and times of deep darkness.  For me, the need to structure the early chaos and the all consuming appointments actually gave me something to focus on, something to work towards, steps that I knew needed following.  Now there is vagueness to my day, no structure around the cancer center, not seeing my doctors for weeks at times.  That all seems a little scary right now.  Who is watching over me and my wrecked body?

I keep making plans to start rebuilding my life, job, house, relationships, and body.  But each evening I get home, I am still so tired, I don’t always do my physical therapy exercises, or even brush my teeth before bed for that matter!  My brain tells me how important all these things are, but my body and heart still say not today.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day.

I find it so difficult to get the words of how I feel down, yet the urge to get it out continues.  Writing can also be therapeutic and cathartic.  Here’s to hoping this helps with tomorrow. 

Bear with me as these blogs may bounce around for a bit until I am "caught up". 

For the most part, I am able to stay positive and actually laugh at myself.  I take pride in my ability to see the best of a situation, and also find ways to just pound thru if need be.  I don't whine, complain, or find excuses.  I figure it out and get it done!  No matter what its been in my life.

Trying on wigs pre chemo with my niece.

                                                    

So I find it very difficult to face those moments where I realize that I have a deadly disease.  I am currently staged at 2b, so many may say that I am far from terminal!  And I would agree with that.  However, I was an easy 1a when this all started.  Should have been a bilateral mastectomy, wait the designated 3 months, and then get my permanent implants in.  Standard procedure.  Easy.  

Oh, if only!  During mastectomy surgery, they take out Sentinel lymph nodes to test for cancer as that is the way the cancer would leave the breast tissue.  As fate would have it, the 2 nodes of mine they took out came back cancerous.  Yes, there is a lot missing from this story between surgery and return of my pathology report, but we will leave that for its own tale.

So this new information of 2 dirty lymph nodes jumped me from the 1a stage to the 2b.  The lymph nodes have cancer.  I know have metastatic cancer, not just malignant.  This basically means that it has knowingly spread into other parts of my body.  So my first question is, where is it?  I asked for PET scan which would show any other tumors in my body.  The clincher is, my insurance will not pay for this test until after I have completed one type of treatment on my current diagnosis of breast cancer.  

I now sit in the chemo chair for 5 months.  Watching my hair fall out, watching my body get sick, hoping for the best but expecting the worse.  So I sit and wait, doing my best to stay positive and not think about where else the cancer is.  Doing my best to not be upset with insurance and making sit here for 5 months while the chemo does it job.  Hoping for the best, that the chemo does find and destroy all the other cancer.  

There are 2 big pending factors that could jump me to an automatic stage 4 and I have to wait for that information.  During my mastectomy only 2 nodes were tested, so we do not know if more lymph nodes contained cancer.  The other factor is if there is simply another tumor hanging out in my body waiting for insurance to pay for my PET scan.

The other simple truth here is that I have metastatic cancer.  I think the doctors just don't want to say what is really happening.  From the beginning, I feel they always tried to keep the best prognosis and not the possibility of what it might be.  Maybe this is just my situation.  To be fair, I had lymph node biopsies that came back clean prior to surgery.  But when you read the pathology report that has metastatic cancer in 2 nodes, that pretty much sums up the real situation.  

So yes, I have terrible moments where the reality of my situation hits hard.  And it is very scary, especially the not knowing part.  But then I gather my thoughts, regroup and figure out what I can do to make my day the best and brightest that it can be. 

                                               

                                       

I feel the need to start by going back not just a few months to my diagnosis, but further back to how I was as the old me.  The me that had not a care in the world.  I was a young, healthy, vibrant, single 40 something with no kids.  The world was my oyster!  And although my travels and expeditions maybe weren't what some people have done, they were pretty big and fun in my world.

I had spent most of my adult life working on my career and just having fun!  I was independent and successful.  And spent my weekends exploring the great northwest, learning to country dance, or having bonfires with friends.  Work hard and play harder is the motto, right.  On the surface I was bright, fun and successful!  But deep down, I was a mess.  I didn't have the best family situation as a child and this caused lots of self esteem issues.  I covered it all with my work and success.

By the beginning of 2015 my social anxiety had grown so bad, that I reached out for professional help.  I truly believe that my body was at this point beginning to prepare me for what was to come.  I know, most who know me would never understand the social anxiety aspect.  I was a successful business woman, former model, and ballerina.  But it was a created facade because I was still the damaged little girl who did not know her true potential!

So, with my body guiding me and my actually listening to it, I started working thru all this and discovering the true me.  The amazing person I really already was.  I just had to see what others already saw in me.  It took a lot of work and a lot of courage, but eventually I was able to be who I always needed to be.  The imperfect me that was willing to let others see the imperfect me.  That vulnerability led me to my biggest fear:  being judged and looked down upon.  But I pushed forward and kept at it.  Little step by step.

To help work thru this part of my life, I began meditating and listening to daily affirmations.  This piece helped me connect to my body, mind and spirit in a way I never had before.  As this process worked along, I became more open to listening to the universe as well.  In December 2015 I actually bought a cancer insurance policy!  Now that's the universe talking to me.

By this time, I had reduced my work hours to 25 per week which allowed me time to grow my own vegetables, hike in the mountains, play in my flower garden and spend time with family.  I was building the life I wanted and truly enjoying it and myself.

Fast Forward to November 19, 2016, my scheduled annual mammogram.The tech reviewing the pictures stated that I had dense tissue and shouldn't be alarmed if I got a call back for more pictures.  I knew I had dense tissue, had been struggling with self exams my entire life.  Very difficult to tell what was there before and what is or isn't normal.  And of course the following week is Thanksgiving, so no time to schedule the follow up with additional pictures and ultrasound, it would have to wait another week.

November 28th was the 2nd mammogram and ultrasound.  The 2nd set of pictures was far more extensive and a little painful, I won't lie.  When the tech left the room and a doctor entered, I began to understand the seriousness of the situation.  Deep in my heart, I always knew I was a "when" and not "if" when it came to breast cancer.  It still was quite surreal and really not even confirmed.

December 1st I went in for an aspirated biopsy.  This is a fairly easy biopsy with a very small needle and guided by the ultrasound.  Other than feeling like I was laying in a very poorly designed Playboy centerfold, the whole thing went off quite easily. I was sent home with the basic, your doctor will call you.

The following Monday I was at the office preparing for a budget meeting right after lunch when my phone rang.  I knew the number well.  My primary care physician had been with me for almost 20 years.  The call lasted about 15 minutes.  I don't remember much of it, except that I wrote down some very silly notes.  I was concerned about what spciculated meant and other silly things.  I didn't ask if it was graded or cared much about the standard treatment plans.  When she said reach out to friends and family is when I shed a couple tears, but not much really.  My only thought was what friends do I have?  What family do I have?  Who would help me and care?